Mt St Helens

Yesterday, May 18th, marked the thirtieth anniversary of the day Mt. St. Helens blew off its top to spew fiery dust on the Pacific Northwest.  Thirty years ago the skies over Portland filled with smoke and debris as a snowy glacier forever changed its shape. Today, on a clear day my girls can identify Mt. St. Helens as the mountain “whose ice cream fell off the cone.”  The distinct flat top of St. Helens distinguishes it from the proximate Mt. Hood or the more distant Mt. Rainier.  

Lately, my emotions have been a bit fiery as well, clouding the skies of my heart and mind and at some inopportune times erupting on those around me.  Life is changing for the Little family.  To sum it up for those whom I have not already wearied with our story, we are leaving Portland.  A few weeks ago Jason and Pat came to the conclusion that HOPE (our church) cannot continue to support two families for the long term.  They made the painful and hard decision that it was time, for the long term viability of HOPE, for Jason to begin to think about leaving.  While financial support is available for Jason for up to another year,  wisdom deemed it necessary to begin the sometimes long journey toward finding other employment and selling a house.  The last few weeks have been stressful as Jason began working like mad to prepare our house to put on the market- cleaning out furniture, staging, painting basement floors, trim, and doors.  I began to feel like my life was slipping away from me a bit too quickly and that I was painfully out of control.  And then things only seemed to go faster.

To sum up the last ten days:

Sunday, May 9th- 

Jason and Pat announce to the congregation that our family is beginning the painful process of leaving within the year.

Tues, May 11th-

Our house goes on the market that morning...by afternoon an offer on our house for the full asking price-   unheard of in this downturning market (we are still in negotiations but things are looking hopeful)

Wed, May 12th-

Jason and I kiss our children goodbye leaving them with their Grammy while we board a plane to a major US city for Jason to interview for another job

Thur, May 13th- Monday, May 17th

Jason interviews with an amazing group of people and a loving head pastor desperate for help in a growing church. I am simultaneously filled with sadness that our time of church planting in this city I’ve come to love is ending and in complete awe at the kindness of this other church, the godliness of  its search committee, and the way God is providing for us.

Back in Portland today I was reflecting on the past week.  I finally took a deep breath and let it out after a week of intense emotion, change, and well, letting go.  Ultimately, we are not in control of the big things- a volcano explodes, an untimely death occurs, disease strikes unexpectedly, world tragedies- or the little things- job frustrations, life having the ‘rug pulled out from under us,’ hurts, and disappointments.  It is easy to feel “the cords of death entangling” (Psalm 18:4) us and to wonder if God is some distant tyrant like a Greek myth who is far away entertaining himself by playing with humans like chess pieces.  And yet, nothing is farther from the truth.  I read further into Psalm 18 this weekend as I “called upon the LORD: to my God I cried for help”(Psalm 18:6).  What struck me was the answer God gives to David.  He rescues him, he draws him out of the deep waters.  Why?  Because “he delighted in me” (Psalm 18:19).  God DELIGHTS in us.  Far from being distant He is closer than ever.  He came to us in human flesh to rescue us from ourselves.  He died for us.  He knows our struggles, our doubts, our hurts, our fears, and yet He reaches down and he DELIGHTS.  I am amazed at how quickly things are changing in our lives, and yet I am amazed too at God’s kind provision for us.  My heart is aching as I begin to let go and yet hopeful and even excited about the new adventures ahead.