"She lived at the center of the world. This is one of the things every mouse knows. Wherever she was, she was at the center of the world. That one lives at the center of the world is the world's profoundest thought. So firmly was this thought set in Whitefoot's mind that she did not need to think it. Like humans, she lived in the little world of what she knew, for there was no other world for her to live in. But she lived at the center of her world always, and of this she had no doubt."-Wendell Berry, Whitefoot, A Story from the Center of the World
Did you know Wendell Berry has a children's book? It is a little book, a mere 59 pages, with small sketches of a little mouse interspersed throughout the pages. The plot is simple- a little mouse builds a home in a place she thinks is safe for her children. One night, in a strong storm, she is swept up into a mighty flood that sweeps away her home and Whitefoot herself into its cataract of open water. Most of the story is the description of her survival, but it is also the story of her transformation.
"She changed from a small, huddled animal who might as well have been asleep to an animal altogether awake."
As the flood subsides she is dropped into a world previously unknown to her. This new place becomes her new "center of the world" for that is where she is. Berry concludes his simple but profound tale with these words,
"At the center of the world, on the silted and soiled floor of the woods, among the shadows of the moony night, she went about her still-unfinished task of staying alive."
This month marks five years since I began this blog. Five years of documenting life as I have seen it from inside this little, increasingly aging, body that is Caroline. My center of the world has moved from Portland to the North Shore of Chicago and three different houses/apartments in those fives years. Like Berry's little Whitefoot, my viewpoint is small. I see the world through my circumstances, and only in rare moments do I have the courage or self forgetfulness to see it through another's. Most of the time I live caught up in my own perceived "center of the world," for that is where I am, going about my "still-unfinished task of staying alive."
I've been contemplating putting this blog to rest. In many ways it seems to have lived its course. I don't feel as motivated to write as I used to. In the deluge of information that increasingly absorbs all of us, I have wondered at the point of continuing to splay our life in type and picture on the internet. There has been so much going on in our lives in the past five months about which I cannot speak publicly that any creative energy for those things about which I can speak has been depleted.
But then, today, I get a message from my sweet brother still living all the way in Thailand.
He simply writes,
"i know you're busy....but please update the blog more often"
So, Ham, this one is for you.
A little update on our lives here in our little piece "of silted and soiled floor of the woods"....
The girls are in school, and so far having a good year. Their school is excellent- challenging, organized, and one of the best in the country. This is sort of amazing since just down the street Chicago Public schools are in tumult with teachers on strike. Many flock to the North Shore for its beautiful lakeside beaches and excellent schools and high cost of living. For us this means lots of benefits for which we are increasingly thankful...but it also means living in a two bedroom apartment. I miss a yard. I miss our dog. Whine. Whine. Whine. I like Chicago more and more though. I appreciate our little community of Wilmette- so many familiar faces and friends these days which is so wonderful. The girls are happy. They love to learn, sometimes are lonely on the playground, excited to go to school, and living in all the ups and downs of being 7 & 9. We walk to school every morning- one of the best parts of our day.
Despite my lack of blogging I really am not that busy which has been sort of weird since Jason is so incredibly busy. With the help of our children's director and dear friend Helen, Jason is pastoring our church alone, preparing to move the church into a new building (see this POST), preaching, and handling many other things. Our church is still packed each Sunday, people are hungry to pray, and there are many amazing things happening. But it isn't easy along the way. Nightmares real and imagined in the middle of the night are not a part of life that inspires blogging. And that's about all there is to say right here about that.
Nursing school is on hold for this year which most days seems like a really good decision, but other days feels intensely disappointing. I've had time to read, walk with friends, do yoga, and am even starting tennis lessons with some friends tomorrow! Still need to get one of those cute skirts :-)...
I am trying to decide if nursing will be a part of my story someday. At the rate I'm going I'll probably be checking into the nursing home myself before receiving my RN! Hoping this year will bring some clarity in what to pursue with my time and energy.
But, Hamilton, as you well know from the events in your own life in the last year, life doesn't always unfold in the way you might have thought. But, like Berry's little mouse, we continue to go "about our still-unfinished task of staying alive" (Berry) believing, even if by a thread, that our stories matter. And despite our small perspectives, which see the world from the limited viewpoint of our own eyes, we are being changed.
Psalm 84:6 says it best,
"As they [those whose strength is in God] pass through the Valley of Baca ["tears or weeping"] they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains cover it with blessing."
The struggles of this "unfinished task of staying alive" should not come as a surprise to us. In fact, they are promised as a reality in this life. But we look to the one who experienced all we do and more and could say, "It is finished" (John 19:30) for "He has done it" (Psalm 22:31). In Christ we are already changed and yet not yet fully changed. I think part of the waking up that Berry's little mouse experienced in the flood might be realizing that we see ourselves from "the center of the world" and our view is tarnished by self. We are part of a much bigger story of God redeeming creation, a people, His church. It is about Him. And it is in that place that we can walk through our own valleys of tears or hold another's hand as they walk through theirs.
Thanks, Ham, for your little encouragement to put these thoughts down...hurry home. We miss you.
